The Taste of Berlin

This ad appears on Beer mats in the pub near to where I live:

At first glance it seems fairly innocuous I know, but glance at it again - it's stupid.

Now, I don't expect anyone to realise just how stupid this is if they don't know the area, so allow me to explain.

First of all, and this is the least of my problems with it, there's no bench where this guy is depicted sitting on a bench. But that particular beef is a small one. If there was a bench in this location however it would be right where the traffic lights are for pedestrians to cross. So basically this man with his big dog would had to have brought his own bench and place it right where it would be blocking a load of people, and maybe the odd chicken, from crossing the road.

There's also the fact that there's no pub near to here. The nearest one is about ten minutes away and they don't allow dogs in. So he would have had to go to the pub, tie up his dog outside, order the pint, rob the glass, untie his dog while the bar staff give out to him for being a thief, walk for ten minutes with the pint, and his dog, and then sit on the bench that he brought earlier to do all this - whilst blocking a load of pedestrian traffic with a big smug smile on his face.

 
                                    

Further, to get to the nearest pub to here he would have had to walk through the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe:

So this casually dressed Aryan man would just walk through the Memorial to one of the saddest events in history, where an invariably melancholy mood prevails and silence is advised, taking his dog for a walk and inexplicably carrying a pint in a glass he's just stolen. All presumably with the same pleased expression on his face.

It's safe to assume that anyone who would do this obviously doesn't pay much respect to the memory of the victims commemorated there, and since we've already established that he is a mad arsehole who would block a load of people from crossing the road with his bench, it's easy to imagine that he's racist, even if only unconsciously

                              .

This ad has proved so offensive that someone seems to have kicked their foot right through it on a billboard:

So he doesn't let consideration for pedestrians or respect for the dead get in the way of his enjoyment. But what does he do when it's raining? It's unlikely that he wants to get wet. Does he still persue his anti-social hobby then?  Not long after seeing the offending beer mat I came across another ad on a billboard which answers these questions.

From what I've gathered from this other ad, when it's raining, he just relaxes on his bench as his (notably non-Aryan) servant carries the beer to him in the lashings of rain whilst making sure that the beer doesn't get wet. Adding even more humiliation to this degrading task the servant gets pointed and laughed at by people taking shelter under the Brandenburg Gate:

Meanwhile the smug overlord is having a grand old time looking forward to his three pints without a care in the world, probably now sitting inside the Gate because it's raining, blocking other people from getting in with his bench.

What a bastard.

The Religion That No One Joined

A few years ago I decided to really give starting my own religion a go. I invented the beliefs, made flyers and handed them around town and posted info sheets up on public walls. They had contact details on them but, sadly, nobody ever got back to me. I changed the bit where I spelt 'heart' as 'hart', but other than that the following were the contents of the flyers - which outlined, in the form of a Q&A the theology of my new religion in a leaflet called:

G'Nondray! - A NEW BEGINING

G'nondrism, what is it?

G'nondrism is a religion based around the God G'nondray. Although it is possible that some G'nondrists do not consider G'nondray to be a God but instead they may insist that he is a G'nondray.

G'nondray: Who is he?

G'nondray is a God who unlike traditional Gods does not reward belief and faith but on the contrary he severely punishes believers and does not want anyone to believe that he exists.

G'nondrists: Do they believe that he exists?

Gonondré explicitly wants us not to believe that he exists and it is to this glorious end that he offers us no evidence of his existence nor does he give any reason or motive for believing in him.

G'nondrists and life: How do they explain it?

With regards to explaining the immense complexity and diversity of life G'nondrists usually don't believe in an explanation as simple as G'nondray created the universe nor do they believe that life is the result of millions of years of evolution through natural selection. Rather they normally believe that the universe and everything in it, the world and all species included occurred completely by chance, as unexpectedly as a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky and G'nondray was just as surprised about it as anyone.

Does Gononndray exist?

No.

G'nondray: How is it spelt?

There is more than one way to spell Gonondré and below listed are just a few of them.

Gonandré

Gonondré

Gonandreay

Gonondrey

Gonandreay

Gonondreay

Gonandray

Gonondray

Gonnandré

Gonnondré

Gonnondrey

Gonnandrey

Gonnandreay

Gonnondreay

Gonnandray

Gonnondray

Gonanndré

Gononndré

Gonanndrey

Gononndrey

Gonanndreay

Gonanndreay

Gononndreay

Gonanndray

Gononndray

Gonnanndré

Gonnonndré

Gonnanndrey

Gonnonndrey

Gonnanndreay

Gonnonndreay

Gonnanndray

Gonnonndray

G'nondray

G'nandré

Mask

Because of the mystical magicalness of Gonanndreay his name can be spelt in ways that are so different from each other that they scarcely resemble one another or even only have just one letter in common, hence Mask. Although all the ways look quite different, they are all pronounced exactly the same. So we pronounce Mask the same way that we would pronounce Gonandray. This is not to be confused with the word mask, which means a covering for all or part of the face.

Having said that,it is possible that some may refute the mystical magicalness of Gonnonndreay, particularly since it is generally accepted that he doesn't exist. It is therefore possible to hypostasise that these people probably think that there is only one way to spell G'nondray and that it probably isn't Mask. It is currently unknown whether or not there are any of these people or how many of them there are but they are probably very dangerous.

Do Gonondrists really not believe in the existence of Gonnanndreay?

Some people may lob the accusation that G'Nondrists such as myself actually do believe that G'nondray exists but they are just acting as if he doesn't to avoid being punished. This is ridiculous. The simple fact is that even if there ever where to be found some evidence to prove his existence I would simply not believe it because I know in my heart that he just does not exist and nothing will change my mind about that.

Is G'Nondray a God of Contradiction?

Yes.

What else are you going to tell me about Gonandray?
 
It is not known whether or not G'Nonnonndréay believes in himself.

 
If anyone has a question about the theology of G'Nondrism not metioned here, please leave a comment below - you son of a motherless goat.

Spoofing the Hoodwinker

You might think that con-artists generally tend to be less naive than the people they try to con. I also thought this, but a recent experience has made me rethink that assumption.

Whilst searching for an apartment in Berlin I've been e-mailed a few times by scamsters who want me to send them money via Western Union. For some reason the back story they always use involves their mother living in London and their father having just recently died. I decided to go along with this guy to see how stupid he thinks people are.

[The parts in these brackets are my comments, they weren't in the e-mails]

 Hello Ken Walsh,

Thanks for your reply about my One Bedroom Room .  

My name is Simon Scholz ,23years of ages and my professions is civil engineering and my mother is working with an organization in London united kingdom as computer operators which my father just dead recent in 7 months ago.i was originally from Germany,I was brought up in Berlin,Germany before get back to my country last year when my father died in motor accident.

The exact address is : Potsdamer Straße 14 D-10785 Berlin, Germany

The is lease is 350Euros/One Bedroom Room/Month including the utilities,fridge-freezer, oven, washing machine, dryer, gas cooker,micro-wave, dishwasher,electricity bill, Internet charges and others.and 450Euros for the security deposit which is refundable during the departure time from the Apartment .

in Centre Berlin and Near to the university of berlin. [There isn't a University in Berlin called the University of Berlin] The room is 29 square meters, plus a walk-in wardrobe with 4-5 square meters. The room is fully furnished and as new with 3 sofa-bed, 2-seater sofa, table, chairs, chest of drawers, shelving, TV, table lamp. [Ooh table lamp]
The apartment is 89 sqm. It is located on the ground in a very quiet location . there are five minutes from the park, the tram is 2 minutes 27.

[I'm not sure what the 27 here refers to. Is he trying to say it takes 2 minutes and 27 seconds to get to the tram?]

The rental fee is a flat rate € 350 per month and Security deposits 450Euros . The price for all utilities are included: Wireless Internet flatrate, cable TV, heating, electricity, water. Own phone and underground parking are optional.

One month deposit should I ask for the furniture, unfortunately.

included,Deeper discounts for longer stays.

This is a private arrangement without any help from agencies.

Therefore much is based on mutual trust and respect. [Hah!}

Please let back to me directly via my email

I will like to know where you are from and when you will be coming to the Apartment ?Am confidently assuring you that you will be more than satisfied when you come into the flat while you will have your private bathroom.You can see the attached pictures of the Apartment bellow.......

Let me hear from you asap if you really have interest in renting the Apartment .

Best of Regards,

Simon Scholz 

He included pictures of a really, really nice apartment. I was supposed to think "Wow, this seems too good to be true - and yet it is true!" This was my reply:

Dearest Simon,

I am very sorry to hear about your father, it makes me weep to hear of such loss. The fact that you included this very personal, and seemingly unnecessary, piece of information makes me trust and respect you. It is sad to lose someone but remember this - he's not dead, not as long as we remember him. [This is a quote from Star Trek II - The Wrath of Kahn. It was also used in an episode of Seinfeld when he couldn't think of anything to say at a funeral]

I'm looking forward to living together. The flat looks perfect from the pictures and it seems to be in a perfect location as well. I am from Ireland and I will be arriving on the first of September, I hope to see you then.

Warm regards,

Ken

Probably thinking "yeah, I've really got a sucker on my hands here" he replied:

Hello Ken Walsh,

Thanks for you reply about my apartment .I will reserved the apartment for you ..and there is a normal procedure you have to go through before make any payment for the apartment .I will requested some information form you means your traveling information which i will forward to my lawyer to preparing your contract form which is lease agreement form and you can know it better with your understanding when go through it properly .the rules and regulations with terms & conditions of the apartment will be inside the agreement form . [his English isn't the best I'm sure you've gathered]

Moreover have you interest in the apartment if so,you will need to provides this information requested as below

1. YOUR FULL NAME -
2.YOUR EXACT ARRIVAL DATE
3.YOUR DEPARTURE DATE
4.YOUR CURRENT ADDRESS .
5.YOUR PICTURES .
6.YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT SCANNED COPY

When provide all this information requested from you and i can able to forward it to our family lawyer to start preparing your contract form which is lease agreement form quickly and you can able to see the terms and the conditions of the contract form of the apartment before making any payment.

[What a sentence!]

if you are satisfied with the terms and conditions abide the contract form and you can then proceed to make the first month payment deposit to my parent in London,united kingdom via western union /money gram money transfer ,as soon she got the payment from you ,then the room will be yours and secured for you and your family.

[I never mentioned anything about a family]

there many people have interest on the apartment but who make payment first will got the apartment . [I think he's hoping here that I'll go "oh god there's many people have interest on the apartment - I must make payment first"]

conclusion,The signed agreement form will be send after signed it through email address along with my copy of my international passport scanned.after you proceed the payment before you arrival period ,i will now send the original copy through a registered courier to your contact address for you to signed it and bring it along with you when coming to the apartment or you can print it out from you computer after i send the last page signed of the agreement form which i send through the attachment to you .Hope to read from you

[Hope to read from me? Is he expecting me to have writing all over my body or something?]

Regards

Simons   [His name had now become pluralised]

He attached a poorly scanned passport picture that he'd probably hoodwinked some poor soul into sending him - probably the real Simon Scholz. He also attached a black and white photograph of the same person. I wrote back:
 

Dear Simons,

Thank you for everything. You are obviously a very honest and good person. I know it's risky making such agreements with people you don't know. But friendship must dare to risk, or it's not friendship. [this is also a quote from Star Trek - thank you Jean Luc Picard]

You are my best friend. 

I can see from your pixelated passport picture and other pictures that you are completely genuine so I have no problem with meeting all of your requests.

My full name, as you may have gathered from my e-mail address is Ken Mark Walsh. My exact arrival date, as previously mentioned is the first of September. My departure date is about ten months after that. My current address is in Galway Ireland, this is where I live.

Attached are some of my pictures, including my passport, of course.

The first picture is one of a horse I made, he is eating grass, and he is a good horse.

The second picture is a picture of an engine.

The third picture is a picture of Worf.

The forth picture is a picture of me. It's a self portrait!

And the fifth picture, of course, is my passport as requested.

I hope you like these pictures as much as I do.

With friendly greetings,

Ken

I thought that would have put an end to it but amazingly he wrote back.


Here's what he said:

Hello Ken Mark Walsh,
Thanks for the information requested from you and i bale to forward it [?] to our family lawyer to prepared your lease agreement form but i will need the information requested in correct way to avoid any mistake to occur .give me the information once again as below

1. YOUR FULL NAME
2.YOUR EXACT ARRIVAL DATE
3.YOUR DEPARTURE DATE
4.YOUR CURRENT ADDRESS .
5.YOUR PICTURES .
6.YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT SCANNED COPY (BOTH INSIDE OF THE PASSPORT NOT THE BACK ALONE)

Hope to read from you [presumably still thinking I'm covered in writing]

Regards

Simons

I really didn't expect him to write back that time. At this stage I thought I should give him a pleasant surprise.

Hello Simon Herbert Scholz,  [The name on the passport]

good news friend! I'm coming to Berlin much earlier than I expected. I'm in the Airport now waiting to board the plane.

I can come and meet you today. We'll have so much fun together friend.

We can go on a donkey ride. I'm so excited, it's all coming together now. Legends are the spice of the universe, Mr. Data, because they have a way of sometimes coming true. [Unsurprisingly this is also a quote from Star Trek]

I can't wait to meet you today. I should be there in a couple of hours. I was going to surprise you by just turning up at your house but I thought it would be more polite to give you a heads up.

I love you.

Ken

That was the last message. I haven't heard from him since. I don't really expect him to reply now. But then again he is unbelievably thick.

Blog about blog

There’s obviously a point in having a blog that has a purpose but there are plenty that don’t, and this is one of them. I found it hard enough to come up with a name for a blog that wouldn’t confine the content of what appears in it. It is for this reason that the following names were rejected:

• The Technology Portal
• What is hot and what is not hot?
• Priest to Priest
• My Blog about Dragons
• Photographs of Photographs
• How to breed Camels (without looking sick)
• Nuns Against Sinning
• My blog about stalking Steven Hawking
• The Never Ending Days of Being on the Dole
• How to seduce a Spaniard

Even though I just said that these names were rejected (implying that they were considered) the truth is that they weren’t considered at all. Why am I wasting your time with this then? Well here’s the reason – because I think you’re a waster! It’s time to wake up you slippery pig!

I didn't mean that. Don’t go away. 

One of the things about writing a new blog is that it presents the opportunity to consider constructing an online fake identity. I'm sure there are plenty of fake identity blogs out there. People pretending to be all sorts. Or even presenting, through the blog, "the real them" who they keep hidden in their everyday life. 

So it's tempting for amusement's sake to make a fake blog persona. For example I could be an engine enthusiast blogging about engines. Ah yeah...

“Now this engine, let me tell ya, it was one hell of an engine”

I don’t know anything about engines, so I guess people who know about engines would eventually just realise that I was being very vague, all the time. 

I once saw a shop that catered for men with large feet and it occurred to me that there are women with large feet who probably find it difficult to get nice shoes that fit. So I mentally invented a shop called Big Footed Women. I imagined what would be the fate of this shop in real life and it would be that it would go out of business because there aren’t enough big footed women around to keep it going, and they probably wouldn’t want to shop in a shop that was called Big Footed Women. 

My online fake identity could be of  the owner of that shop. I'd write about my struggling business and how I get slapped in the face on social occasions by attempting to get business by saying things like "Pretty big feet you got there".  I ended up not going down the Big Footed Women shop owner blog road; as Meatloaf sang “something, something, something, I won’t do that”.

I could pretend to be a woman that wants to be a priest though. Or, better yet, a priest that wants to be a woman. I’d hammer on about the battle with my conscience - “Why did you make me this way oh-Lord?” - And so on. That’d be a good laugh. Imagine the scandal that would erupt in the church if it became well known. I wonder if there really are any priests who want a sex change. I'm hazarding a guess that there is, just one in the world. But which one? Would he be allowed to keep his job I wonder? I’m sure there are laws against sacking people on those kind of grounds. Are priests even in trade unions?

Anyway, I decided to write, on top of this blog, a fake engine enthusiasts blog just to see if anyone reads it and what they say about it, if anything. I wanted it to be called “Engines, Engines, Engines” but that domain name is already taken (although not being used) so I called it “I Love Engines” and you can find it here.

Enjoy.